I’m Ready.

11 09 2009

I’m growing anxious.

I am tired of doing nothing – or at least nothing of any real consequence – with my time.  I need to do something.  I need to be a part of something…  Preferably something new and fresh, yet old.  Something unknown to me that requires experimentation and creative thinking.  Something where I am working closely with others.

A little over a year ago I left my church in New York to begin my seminary career.  At the time I needed to get away from working in a church.  Don’t get me wrong, the church was a great community filled with good people – congregation members and leaders all included.  They were doing (and no doubt continue to do) great things in the surrounding area – from feeding the homeless to visiting imprisoned youth to providing Christmas gifts for children whose parents were unable to.

It was a great community, but I needed to get away.  I could feel myself becoming frustrated and cynical.  I expected (or at least wanted) them to be doing more.  I wanted more teamwork and interaction and integration, and less – what I perceived to be, whether or not correctly – individuality and compartmentalization.  I don’t know if my judgments were accurate or justifiable…  perhaps they came out of ignorance or idealism… perhaps out of love and expectation.

Last Sunday I went to church with my friends Marcus and Jessica and their kids, where Marcus is the children’s minister.  We got there early and left late.  Marcus gave me a tour of the church and introduced me to a number of the staff.  Walking around the church helped me to realize that I’m ready to be involved in a church again.  I’ve healed enough.  Perhaps not completely, but enough.

So here I sit… ready to be involved in a church again.  More than that, I’m ready to help start a church… even though I’m sure I’m not prepared.  I need to be useful.  creative.  involved.  I’m ready to sit down and brainstorm. to find new and old ways of doing things.  I’m ready to build. to grow.  I’m ready to tell the Story. to hear the Story.  I’m ready… though I’m afraid it’s not time yet.




3 responses

14 09 2009
Marcus Carlson

I hear you Tim and I resonate deeply. There is however great power in anxiety and restlessness. I love the illusion of control. Its how I protect myself from shame and failure. I love the church. For better or worse it is the bride of Christ. As one of my professors once said; she may be the bride of Christ but sometimes she is a whore. I think my anxiety comes in the knowledge that the church is the way; yet the church is not as it should be. I am a contributor to that reality. In my human desire for safety, recognition and affirmation I play the game. Yet parts of the game are of God and cannot nor should not change easily if at all. The fear of wanting something different and knowing that it is to be and yet knowing the risk involved—being out on your own with little to no support of fighting a losing battle in the current system. Its feels more like a neither instead of the both/and that scripture shows us. I too have healed but am not yet healed which means I still need Christ-I too am ready but know it is not yet time…and so I remain anxious but in love with something that is often ugly rather than beautiful. Thanks Tim.

17 09 2009

I read this right after you posted it…and I’ve been thinking about you and your move to seminary. Just wanted you to know that I hope God continues to restore, rebuild, and renew your heart and passion.

Grace and Peace.

your friend

21 09 2009

We miss you at RUMC and we miss your grace and peace. I especially miss hanging out with one of my best friends in New York. Wherever God leads you is wherever you’ll go. But keep this in mind. Don’t do what God wants you to do but do whatever makes you happy and makes you love God more and more each day. If your happy God is happy and he will support you and guide you through your journey with honor and dignity.

“Never second guess yourself… You have friends and family that love you and support you. Be strong, be brave, and live life with NO REGRETS!”

-Jason Comstock

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